Not a Kunoichi
by ncfan
Summary: In which Kujaku drops her swords and her fight against Temari ends a lot more quickly. AU. Spoilers for the Anime-only Ultimate Weapon Arc.


**Characters**: Temari, Kujaku (anime-only character), Shikamaru, Ino**  
>Summary<strong>: In which Kujaku drops her swords and her fight against Temari ends a lot more quickly. AU.**  
>Pairings<strong>: None**  
>Author's Note<strong>: I just had this brilliant image in my mind, and since Temari's a bit more substantial (read: muscular) than the other girls pre-Time Skip, it seemed plausible; she does show a bit of a cruel streak from time to time, anyways. Oh and, just so you know Kujaku's one of the antagonists from the last filler arc before Shippuden. And yes, her only real skill seems to be channeling wind chakra through two swords; I'm not entirely sure if she can even do it without the swords. And, finally, the humor might be a bit offensive, but whatever; I still say this is how the Temari-Kujaku fight should have gone.**  
>Disclaimer<strong>: I don't own Naruto.

* * *

><p>There's a reason Kujaku has always been known as "Butterfingers Kujaku" throughout the Takumi village, and she cringes as she remembers the reason <em>why<em> she was mocked as "Butterfingers Kujaku" before she got old enough to nail her tormentor's heads to the wall with kunai.

In this case, her clumsiness coincides with her dramatic streak.

The little Sand rat is giving her a decidedly unimpressed stare so as Kujaku gets ready to sweep her away she sweeps her swords in a dramatic arc through the air. Maybe _that_ will get the girl's attention.

Unfortunately for Kujaku, while she's bringing her swords up through the air they go flying out of her hands and careening down to the forest below. She bites her lip, getting ready to go down to the forest floor to retrieve them.

She's so preoccupied trying to spot her swords in the underbrush that she doesn't notice the Sand kunoichi jumping to meet her.

_Pow!_ With a short, sharp shriek Kujaku falls back on the branch and barely manages to keep from falling off as a strong, closed fist ploughs into her jaw.

The Sand kunoichi's laughter is the most baleful noise Kujaku has ever heard. Hands on her hips and standing over her with her fan tied on her back, the blonde bears a smirk unmatched for its contempt. "So you're a lazy bitch _and_ you're clumsy?"

"Lazy?" Kujaku snarls. "Why you—"

All further words are cut off by a sandaled foot crashing into her teeth.

The girl snorts. "Pathetic, just like I thought. Look at you, you claim to be an experienced kunoichi and you're not even carrying kunai." Green eyes spark cruelly as a strong hand reaches and grabs Kujaku's hair to force her head up to meet hers. The Sand genin grins nastily. "Come on, out with those loose teeth." Her fist collides with Kujaku's throat to force air upwards and no less than three teeth, knocked clean out of their sockets by the girl's foot, go flying into the forest.

"Now, let's have a lecture on exactly _why_ you're a disgrace to the name "kunoichi"." Kujaku shrieks as a foot digs into her back and the girl's hand goes from digging into her scalp to having both hands twist her arms behind her back at unnatural angles.

"A _real_ kunoichi would carry kunai on her at all times during a mission. A _real_ kunoichi wouldn't need her weapons to do the fighting for her—look at you; you lose those shiny kitchen knives of yours and you're completely useless. A _real_ kunoichi would know how to throw a straight punch quickly and not to ever lower their guard."

The Sand rat lowers her head so she can bark the last insult directly to Kujaku's ear. "And a _real_ kunoichi," she hisses, "wouldn't be fool enough to try and challenge my youngest brother; if you were an actual kunoichi and not just some brainless bitch you'd know better than to challenge the jinchuuriki of the Sand. So why don't you take your trashy clothes and go back to the whorehouse, the BDSM club or _wherever_ it is you came from and leave the fighting to the _real_ kunoichi?"

Kujaku says nothing. She knew she shouldn't have gotten out of bed this morning.

-0-

When Shikamaru and Ino get to where they've been told they'll find Temari and her opponent, the situation… Well, the situation isn't quite what they expected. Granted, they had no idea whether they'd find a victorious Temari or a Temari on the ropes, but what they _did_ not expect to see is what they see now: Temari holding an enemy woman—as Temari's made it perfectly clear, she's _not_ a kunoichi—in a brutally tight half-nelson, shouting "Do you give? Do you give?", to the woman's increasing ire. All of her attempts to break free of Temari's stranglehold fail and are growing weaker by the second.

Ino raises an eyebrow. _Man, is she scary. _Then, she smiles a little bit. _But this Temari girl's cooler than I originally thought. _She shoots a suggestive look at Shikamaru._ I need to get her to teach me that move._

Shikamaru rubs the back of his neck, for a moment abjectly terrified. _She's even scarier than I remember_.

Temari looks up and smiles brightly. "Hi, guys. As you can see—" her grip on the enemy's neck tightens a little more and the enemy woman starts to gasp desperately for air "—I have everything under control here."

"Yeah." Shikamaru isn't entirely sure how to go about this. "Listen, Temari… I'm glad you're alright and all, but don't you think you should be letting go of her about now?"

Temari frowns at him. "Why on earth would I be doing a thing like that, Nara?"

Shikamaru covers his eyes with one hand and prepares to face Death like a man. "Her face is turning blue."

For the first time, Temari looks down at the woman's face. "Oh, Oh!" She lets go of the woman abruptly and she collapses on the branch, gasping for air as Temari takes a bit of wire out of her kunai pouch and uses it to tie the woman's hands behind her back. She looks up at the two Leaf nin and grins. "Hadn't noticed, I guess. I was a bit in the moment."

Shikamaru gapes. _What is it about this woman?_


End file.
